Computer kisse da, Syaapa mera!

Damn! I am a simple guy who has done B.com and now doing MBA from not one of those TOP NOTCH colleges. I got nothing to do with science! Aha! Except! I flunked in science stream during my high school! THAT IS IT! And do i have a face that looks like computer?! Y the hell is every1 calling me to THEEK KARWAO their computers! I am no genius, which seems to every1. Well thats just coz i successfully (i dunno how) make the computer good.. But trust me, i never know wot exactly i m doing with it.. All the time its HIT & TRIAL method. Ain’t my time precious?

Imagine, ppl tell me that their monitor isn’t showing up anything! HELLO! DUDE! Can u run ur CAR WITHOUT FUEL!? PLUG IN THE GODDAMN POWER CABLE AND FOR GOD SAKE SWITCH IT ON! And still if it doesn’t work.. PAY UR GODDAMN ELECTRICITY BILLS. Same goes for speakers and printers and.... i dunno.. See! Even i dunno much! And yea! All these wires go to the CPU as well.. (For the records, here we are discussing DESKTOPs only, OBVIOUSLY).

Dude u need messenger to chat! Yahoo messenger goes with ur YAHOO ID ONLY and gtalk goes with GMAIL only! You cannot pay an INFOSYS employee’s salary from TCS’s account! Can you?

Download and install are two different things. Download is transferring files from one source to another and installing is to set it up so as to make it work!

YAHOO and HOTMAIL don’t provide free POP 3 accounts. Sorry for that martian language! U cant configure them on “outlook express” for FREE. U need a PAID account for that. Gmail is flexible in this regard.

There s a cute little button, to which window guys have given the name START button, on the left-bottom of your screen (in 99.99% cases, unless u move ur taskbar!) which is not just cute but functional as well.. Pichkao it and Explore it.

And you NEVER save a song on WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER, WINAMP , SONIQUE etc. U just play the goddamn song there. In any case all the files (songs, movies, images, PPT, DOC etc) are on ur HARD DISK DRIVE (hereafter referred to as HDD). i.e all the songs are located on ur C, D, E, F .... drives (these are like the partitioning u have in ur closet! To ORGANISE ur stuff. Rest it’s just one closet thats HDD). U just gotta search for them there. And yea.. sorry for not mentioning .. u can find all these drives in MY COMPUTER. (trying to leave least possible loop holes)

SEARCH. Another big deal. Press windows button (usually its between CTRL and ALT and has a windows sign on it) and F button together. It will open a window for u to search some file. NO! It cannot search for ur lost wallet, keys, shoes, jeans! Sorry!

And yea! F1 or F2 or F3...... F12.. this doesn't mean you have to press F and 1 or 2 or 3 after that. But there is a line on the top of your keyboard which reads the same. i.e F1, F2, F3...F12. These are the function keys.

Alrite! So your movie isn’t playing! First of all are you sure this is a movie? Ok u are! Then the format of the movie is not supported by your system as yet. You need CODECS for. It decodes the format of the file and makes it run on your computer!

DUDE! Most of the time ppl tell me. “Sahil there s some problem with my system.” Ask them wot and they say “pata nahin! Kuch error aata hai!” Damn you! Read the Goddamn error, it is in simple, ok, little, but very little technical English. Read it and possibly you won’t even need me. :) and try one more thing! GOOGLE solution of the error.

GOOGLE is the best invention lately ppl! Trust me.. search for any goddamn thing (again not ur shoes, belt, undies, wallets etc, unless u wanna buy them) and u’ll get the solution. There are millions of computer geeks sitting who really LOVE to solve other’s probs. There u can get solution of the error. Just type the error as it is and bingo! You’ll get the solution. ELSE go and SPEND SOME MONEY ON YOUR HARDWARE! Feed those computer wallahs sitting in 22 chandigarh. Then only u will know my worth! U MAKE ME WORK FOR FREE!

Yawn! Now some shortcuts!
To open the RUN command :- windows button + r
To open notepad.. type notepad in RUN box which appears after the above mentioned step.
To open calculator: type CALC in the run box.
To open registry (never mess with it) type REGEDIT in the run box.
To open DOS prompt type CMD in the run box.
(CALC, NOTEPAD, CMD can be written in small caps also)
Save the changes: CTRL + S
Copy a file: CTRL + C
Cut a file: CTRL + X
Paste a file: CTRL + V
Wait a minute! “+” here means the former button with the latter one, together. You don’t have to press win then “+” and then some button. It means win button and the other button together. U can hold on to the former button and then press the latter button! WHEW!
And yea! Another minute. COPY and CUT are two different things. COPY lets u make a duplicate copy of the file, keeping the original at the same location and pasting a duplicate of it at some other location (on HDD) where as cut moves the file frm original place to new location.

UNDO your misdeeds! CTRL + Z

If u think anything has gone wrong. Don’t panic, don’t cry! Use the above shortcut. You’ll most probably be saved. You can undo quite a few steps. Depending on from where u started.
Anything left? I m sure i m leaving millions of FAQs untouched but can’t help it. My neighbour’s PC isn’t working! :( Gotta go.

AND HELL YA ALL! That goddamn tray is not for your COFFEE CUP or for your COKE! It’s a DVD/CD drive. That’s where you put your DVD or CDs!

Peace!